Once in a Blue Moon

I am sure if you are in the life of a young child you have read the book goodnight Moon (a million times…) because it is an awesome book. Have you ever gone out to look at the moon, especially with children. They love to look at the moon. I also love to look at the moon and am very aware of its presence throughout the month. Tonight is a Blue Moon.

A Blue Moon is an extra full moon in a season, making a total of four full moons in the season, when normally there are only three. This happens every 3 to 4 years. The moon is so magical, along with the stars that we wish upon; this shinning bright presence in the night sky often gave us human’s different feelings. We have many folk tales and scary stories that use the moon. Many people associate the full moon with crazy behavior, women going into labor, and good or bad luck.

Whether or not the moon has any special power over us, I think that the mere fact that it can affect the waters of our ocean is amazing. I decided to go with this pulling of the tides, this strong pull to something new and make a few changes in my life. I started the other day by writing down what I am grateful for. I wanted to bring some good things into my life, and I thought the best way to do this was to be grateful. I decided that I wanted to focus on being my authentic, creative, and intelligent self. That it is important for me to be who I am and enjoy what I love. Even if that means that some people will not be able to follow along or may even be repulsed.

I started by writing in my journal what I was grateful for, even if it wasn’t part of my life for now, I put it in there. I also put everything in present tense first person. This is all based on books and videos I have read or watched say to do. Honestly in the past when I have tried to image my life, as I want it and to pretend that it was this way it has been a real struggle. How can I pretend that I have unlimited wealth when I can barely pay the bills, how can I pretend that I have a great job that I love when I don’t? This way or this time was different for me, maybe it’s the blue moon, maybe it’s not; but I do know that writing down what I was grateful for in present tense, even if it wasn’t here yet, felt good. I was able to suspend disbelief and just let go, be grateful for having health, wealth, and happiness in my life.

Here is an excerpt from my journal:

I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who love me and that I love, I am grateful that they are supportive and loving of each other as well. I am grateful that I have a career that allows me to use all of my knowledge, creativity, and intelligence on a regular basis to collaboratively create amazing projects. I am grateful that I can share my knowledge and that people are willing to listen to me and help create a better world for teachers and students. I am grateful that I am a vessel of change in the world.

I wrote many different things in my journal that I was grateful for, I even put things down that I didn’t realize were important to me. I am also going to do a vision board (a collage of images and sayings that I want to bring into my life). I hope that this is another step on the road to being my authentic self.

Since doing this I have already made changes to my diet and exercise habits, have contacted a life coach and made a couple of decisions about my career and where I want to take it. All very exciting stuff that I am changing!

I realize that the last two posts were not really in regards to teaching, but that is what happens when you are looking for your authentic self. I know a lot about how I want to teach, and why, but I am still working on being my authentic self professionally. On a personal level I am still finding my authentic self and in the process learning to be that person both professionally and personally. I believe that every little step helps.

Image found at http://www.whats-your-sign.com/

Here’s to a beautiful Blue Moon!

Many Blessings

On becoming a Grandma...

My Daughter and her baby bump

When I found out that my daughter thought she was pregnant so many things raced through my mind. I couldn’t help it, it is sad that the father will not be participating, it is terrible that she is only 18, it is unfortunate that she doesn’t have a job or a way to support herself or the baby. Others in our family told her to end the pregnancy, I kept quiet, believing that she could make the choice that was right for her. A baby would be hard work, I know this personally. I was pregnant with her when I was 18. It was hard, her father did not participate in her life, I struggled to support us; but I did. I waitressed and was on Welfare, but I educated myself. Yes, I needed a little help, but the pay off to society is worth so much more than what it cost. Knowing all of this I still felt Joy, how can you not when it involves a baby. I kept it all to myself until she made her decision to keep the baby.

You see, much of the negative feelings I was having was about me, about my experience as a single mother. There is a lot of fear, a lot of social stigma, and a lot of loss when you have a child so young. I thought that I had raised her to make better choices, but as the parent of two teens you begin to realize that they are going to make their own choices. I preached for her to abstain, and if she didn’t abstain, to use protection. She was actually a very good child; she made good decisions and stood out from peer pressure. She had to deal with some really hard tragedies, including the loss of her father to suicide. It was only in her last years at home that she rebelled. She rebelled against herself and against me. It was a struggle, I was constantly asking myself what did I do wrong, and she was constantly telling me what I did wrong. Despite all the things I did to try to sway her she had chosen a long hard road to go down and getting pregnant allowed her to make a U turn and choose a better path.

Being a good parent doesn’t always mean that your kids go off to college and find a spouse and a good job, these days it can mean that you all made it out alive. There are so many factors in a child’s life that affect their choices. The older they get the more influences these outside factors play. Teachers, peers, family, and strangers all can affect your children. I had to let go of the idea that her going to college out of high school was not going to happen. She might not get to be a “bent twig” at Mills College, she wouldn’t travel around Europe, but she would be alive and safe. Mostly I had to let go of the fact that even though things did not turn out the way I dreamed they would they did turn out good. I am still a good mom, I have judged others by their children, but what do I know about their life, their choices, or their experiences. I now know that when they become adults they make their own choices. A parent can only hope that their influence will win out in the end.

I am very proud of my daughter. She has come through a lot of things and is still doing so much good for herself. I feel she has grown into an amazing and powerful woman. She has created a place for herself and her coming daughter that is safe and secure. She is thinking about stability, parenting, and her career. She has also joined some groups where she has met some great friends who are also young parents. She has created a community of good people for herself and her baby, and created some lifelong friendships, the kind you might find in college. Personally I think she has not only risen to the challenge but has exceeded expectations. She is starting off with many more parenting skills than I did, that’s for sure.

When I tell others about being a grandma in my 30’s they often freak. I freaked out too. All my friends my age have infants and toddlers of their own and here I am about to be a grandma. Then I was at the dog park and made friends with some women, they were about 15 to 20 years older than me and one of them told us she was going to be a grandma. She did not want the title; she said she wasn’t ready for it. They clearly didn’t know what to say when I told them I was going to be a grandma too. I didn’t really know what to say either; we sort of just changed the subject.

When my daughter and I were in the store, setting up her registry, my daughter kept showing me little shirts, and outfits printed with, “Grandma loves me,” or “I’m grandma’s favorite.” I was thinking, “Oh those are so cute, Grandma would love them,” then it hit me! “I am Grandma, that’s for me!!” My daughter laughed so hard, and then asked me whom I thought it was for. Well I guess I will have to get used to the title, but I know when I see that baby I will feel so blessed and in love.

This is not a tragedy; this is not terrible; this is a miracle and a blessing for my family. My mom used to tell me “have your kids while your young and dumb.” If you wait for the right moment you will never have kids because no one is ready to be a parent. It really is a blessing to have children.

Many Blessings

Wittle Baby Foots!!

Evelyn Rose 10/27/12

What now, discipline without spanking...

When I first started parenting I knew that I wanted to avoid spanking. Actually I did spank and it made me feel so horrible and I knew there had to be a better way to parent and teach. It struck me as wrong and inconsistent to spank as punishment when my child hit, or ran into the street. I did not see that there was an accurate lesson here. But what do I do I do instead. I struggled for several months, years even, looking for a better way. I am still learning in many ways. I am still learning to choose my battles, to say the right thing, or not say the wrong thing, to continue to discipline appropriately even when I am angry or tired, as well as how to parent each new age as my children grow. I have used a lot of techniques and some have worked and some didn't work or fit for my family.

Some of the things I have tried that didn't work are timeouts and reward systems. Timeouts were a struggle, having now watched Super Nanny, perhaps I was doing it wrong. It didn't seem to matter to my children that they were separated from the group or I would just spend my time chasing them down and 4 minutes would turn into an hour. It was frustrating and too much work, with both of us often left in tears. I also felt there was too much physical force to have to remove the child by picking them up and placing them into a timeout place. I wondered what they were really learning as well. I also don't agree with the idea of forcing a child to apologize. I later found that avoiding the problems that lead to a timeout worked better, or dealing with the situation from the point of view of the child.

I tried different reward systems to encourage good behavior, or actions such as chores being done. I found these did not fit well with my idea of life. I didn't want my children to grow up to be oblivious consumers and I felt that reward systems took away from the pleasure of doing things just for doing them and it also created consumers. Soon I had to up the ante every time I wanted to encourage a positive behavior. I was trying to "catch" my children doing good so I could reward them. Part of the problem of this was that I was busy also working, cooking and cleaning. Sometimes they were doing good but I didn't catch them. The positive that came out of this was that I did become more aware of what my children were doing right, but giving them a tangible reward was not for me. So now what?

I read books, my favorite being Positive Parenting by Jane Nelsen, and years later found There's got to be a Better way by Becky Bailey. These books literally changed my way of thinking about my children and how I parented. I also soaked up the book Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I began to plan my day so that it was a mixture of one on one (or one on two) attention and kid time and those chores and things I needed to do as an adult such as shopping and laundry. I used a lot of skills learned from these books and feel that it really helped me change my parenting style as well as understand my parenting style.

my note

I wrote lists of what to do instead and posted them on the refrigerator and carried it around with me. My list looked something like this:

1) Do Nothing
2) Take a deep breath
3) Choose your battle
         a) natural consequence
         b) logical consequence
4) Take time for training
5) Ask questions
6) Give a choice
7) Redirect power
8) Cool off


Taking just a moment to not react the way I used to, the way I had been raised, helped me to make better choices as a parent. After reading Raising Your Spirited Child I knew that avoiding issues worked best. I would avoid letting the children get too tired, hungry or overstimulated. I would stop for snacks and play, I would slow down and pay attention to my children. I would slow down and pay attention to myself.

After reading Becky Bailey I learned a lot more about how the brain works durring times of stress or upset. You brain literally stops and you go to the reptillian brain. She has so many skills to use as both a parent and a teacher. What is really brillant is how it is about teaching the child to become independent of the parent and self soothe. Giving them skills to make themselves feel better and make better choices without having to guard them. By fueling them with love and seeing children as having good intentions you can really make a difference in your parenting.

I was once at a workshop called Children with Challenging Behavior: strategies for reflective thinking based on Linda Brault's book of the same name. She showed us how the brain works durring upset and literally Flips it's lid. She showed us this by using her hand.  I will always remember this.
She held up her hand:

She folded her thumb in, telling us this represented the reptilian brain, the emotions raw and wild:

Then folded her fingers over her hand, telling us that usually our cerebral cortex, our higher thinking, is covering and managing the reptillian brain:

But when we get upset, we flip our lid and those raw emotions are let loose:

Of course as adults we have learned how to self soothe and relax enough to not act on those feelings and thoughts. We know that there are both logical and natural consequences to misbehaving. Children have yet to understand this and we need to be their bigger selves. To be their conscience so to speak, if we are still hitting or yelling to discipline them what are we teaching then...

To discipline without spanking you need to find what will work for you, what you are comfortable doing, what your parenting style is. You need to understand your child in particular and children in general. You need to build skills to put into your "tool belt" so that when you are stressed and the kids are stressed you can make a better choice. Most importantly you need to forgive yourself, allow your self room to learn.

To new ways of parenting.
many Blessings