Parenting Teens

Me and my Teens

Parenting teens is very challenging. I would much rather stay up all night with a colicky baby, than to be up all night with my child out there somewhere. Not that my children have really ever stayed out all night but other things keep me up. For example, how do I make sure they make the right choices? How do I encourage them to do the right thing? When do I stand back and allow them to make a mistake and learn from it and when are the stakes too high to allow that?

Of course these are all things that you need to work out with your own conscience and values. My personal opinion is that it is best for them to make mistakes when they are younger teens and still come to you for advice and help. As they get older they come to you less and less. The mistakes they make and get help with will guide them to make better choices and if handled right make them feel comfortable to come to you still. This behavior of breaking away is developmentally appropriate but I, along with many other parents of teens struggle with this. Letting go of your most precious loved one is so hard. Knowing what is out there, not knowing what new dangers lurk about, all makes for a challenge of a lifetime. There is no teen proofing the world.

I do not agree that it is good to shelter teens from the realities, rather I prefer to support them to make the better choices. This has been hard, with my daughter I really struggled letting go, she made some choices I wish she hadn’t, but in the end she is growing into a very responsible and accomplished adult.  She learned from those mistakes and was able to incorporate them into her adulthood.

Foot Ball Team, #55

My son is at that age where he is all about football and girls. He just got his first girlfriend, and they went to the high school dance together. I am sure they will go to the movies soon too. I talk to him about respecting her boundaries, keeping his, and safe sex too. I would prefer he still thought girls had cooties, at least until college, but that is not happening. While I went through this with my daughter it is a whole different thing with my son, so I feel as if I am learning everything all over again. 

In the end we can only hope that all goes well, that they don’t get involved in the wrong crowd, they don’t end up at the wrong place at the wrong time, and they make the better choices. Spending time doing what they are interested in, talking about the big issues, and staying connected have helped so far in my adventures in parenting. I am far from perfect, there are many things I have wished I did differently, but all in all I feel confidant that my children will stay away from the big problems, like drugs, alcohol, and gangs to name a few.

Happy teens still willing to hang with Mom once in a while!

Blessings

Positive Intent

Positive intent is a great skill for anyone who is working with children. Positive Intent is the belief that children (or any human) has positive intent for doing any behavior.  What this looks like is he belief that a child had a positive reason or plan for the behavior they acted out on.

My favorite example of this is a story that Lisa Murphy tells about twins that started biting their classmates. Biting is a very serious and scary childhood behavior, but it is also very developmentally appropriate. However, it got so bad that the parents were called in. During the conference the mom was perplexed, and the dad was silent. Finally the teacher asked the dad what he thought. It turns out dad was playing a game with the twins where he would chase them and say, “I’m going to eat you up, I love you so!” and the pretend to bite them. I love this story!

Positive Intent does not excuse the behavior, what it does is allow you to be in a state of mind that allows you to deal with the behavior from a positive perspective. Many times there was a very good reason for a negative behavior, whether it was because the child is tired, frustrated without skills, or even just had a really great idea happening and it didn’t turn out their way.

The best way this belief system was explained to me was this way:

            Say you are driving on the freeway and a person cuts you off unexpectedly! Your initial reaction might be to cuss them out, but instead of getting upset jus think in your head that they did not intend to cut you off so rudely, but maybe their grandma is in the hospital or they are late to the greatest game of their child’s life.

Having a perspective of Positive intent has allowed me to give children the space to explain what was happening, and I was able to learn a lot about what they were thinking or going through.

So next time you are frustrated with your child’s behavior, think using positive intent, and see what this more relaxed state of perception will allow you and your child to come up with.

Blessings.

Being Present and Following the Child

I love the focus in this picture!

With Children it is so important to be present. If I could have one wish it would be for adults (parents and teachers) to value and be fully present with their children much of the time they are together. Of course in the day to day pace many times we need to be only halfway there or doing something else. Dishes, dinner, and shopping don’t get themselves done. However what if you spent a day present with the children in your life, following their lead.

This does not mean, necessarily that they get to make all the big decisions, that would be too scary for them, rather it means that you follow their lead. You pay attention to their needs, and some wants, but the needs are greater. If they need space to run, give it; if they need time to get started or stop, allow it; if they need to do something by themselves, let it. Be focused on them; listen fully to them. Put away all other distractions. This will build your relationship greatly, to new heights. It can repair a lot of past traumas and feelings of fear. When you do this one thing it will allow children to build true confidence, true independence and to feel so loved.

There are two things about this practice that are important to do and remember.

First, there is a way to disengage and follow the more traditional form of give and take. Children need to learn that while you are focused on them often, you also have other things to do, other parts of your life. Just think of any relationship, there is healthy give and take, sometimes you do what the other wants and sometimes what you want, and often what is needed to be done.  Disengagement is an art form that starts at the beginning of the time. Be clear about how long you have and then stick to that. Give a warning about 10 to 5 minutes before clean up and when that time is up let them know it is time to begin clean up. I have found that giving concrete events to show the time is helpful for the very young. For example “After this game we will clean up so that I can do … and you can do…” Try to make the next part that they do on their own something fun for them to look forward to, preferably something better than watching TV (but that is just a personal view), that also needs no or very little adult supervision.

Second, Just as it is great to follow the child it is also good for them to understand that they are not in control. Giving young children too much responsibility and control can cause feelings of fear and frustration. Try to keep their responsibility developmentally appropriate by giving them one or two choices that you are comfortable with.

 While most of this information is for parents, teachers can be fully present and follow the children in their class. First focus on the children, not the other adults in the class (they already went to school), turn off you phone, during the time that you are with the children be with them fully. Your students will notice, they will seek you out and show you their authentic interests and knowledge. You will notice more of what they are interested in. With this information you can begin to form curriculum that is truly child led.

You don’t need an entire day to follow your child, spend a little time each day, focus completely on this little human that you love so much. It will be good for you and good for them.

Blessings.